Just Hanging In There

Two weeks have passed now since we saw Jeremy off with the rest of his unit, and the initial agony of saying goodbye has more or less passed. Now the dull ache of going through "the daily grind" without Jeremy has begun to set it. In keeping with countless admonitions from family and friends, and my own common sense, I've been careful each and every day to "take care of my self" by reaching out for fellowship or assistance when I need it, or just doing little things on my own to keep up my spirits.

Tuesday we went to the park, Wednesday I called Hannah (my sister-in-law) to come over for lunch, Thursday afternoon we spent at my in-laws doing laundry and enjoying dinner, and Friday night we went to the movie night at church. Every morning at breakfast I religiously took my vitamins, read the daily Proverbs, and prayed with Reuben, and I was careful to eat well all week. Still, I could feel myself going a little loopy with so many hours in the day so thoroughly filled with just me and my toddler, and so empty of Jeremy. Reuben has been a real sweetheart, but there were whole days where he was just grumpy and agitated for no apparent reason.



It all came to a head when Reuben woke up screaming at around 1:30a.m. Saturday morning, and I'd only just gone to bed at midnight. He never did go back to sleep until around 5:00a.m., and thus neither did I. He was awake again by 8:30 or so, and long before breakfast was over, I was very aware that I was about to snap. After a quick call to Grandma, Reuben was wisked away for the day so I could have a break, and after a nice shower I was off to a local park to try and recover some sense of sanity once again. I was so tired, physically and emotionally, so ready for Jeremy to not be gone anymore.

I had been trying to convince myself that Reuben really doesn't know what's going on, that he doesn't particularly notice that Daddy hasn't come home for too long, that he's too young to really miss his Daddy. I can't bear to think that he may actually be feeling any part of what I'm feeling...but I can't deny it anymore. He clings to all his uncles, desperately grabs for pictures of his Daddy, and lights up at the sound of his Daddy's voice on the phone. Yesterday night I figured out how to play our home videos on the TV. When Jeremy came on the screen saying "Hi Reuben, how are you little buddy?" Reuben broke into a huge smile, started laughing and talking back to the TV, and toddled over to the entertainment center where he proceeded to try and climb up the cabinet and into the TV so he could be where his Daddy was. He was so frustrated he couldn't get to him. I lost it, and quickly evacuated to the back of the house so he wouldn't see me in such distress.

Hannah had offered to stay with me while Jeremy's gone, but I was convinced it really wouldn't be necessary and I'd be much more productive without"having company" on a long term basis like that. After this week I've come to realize that in the absense of some grown up comraderie my ability to function will fast disapear and that's far more of a hindrance to productivity than "having company." So much so that all of a sudden having Hannah stay with me doesn't seem so much like "company" at all. Today I talked with her and my parents-in-law to let them know I'm taking her up on that offer, and I've experienced a new surge of hope making plans to re-arrange the appartment for a new "family member."

Raging pregnancy hormones seem to be my worst enemy at the moment. I honestly can't even imagine how I'm going to survive a year of this. Honestly, I can't imagine how I'm going to get through tomorrow. The key is to just live in God's grace for the moment. As soon as I try to bear the burden of the whole year ahead of me, it becomes too much. Way too much.